Thursday, March 1, 2012

REVENGE (ABC): Who Knew The Hamptons Was Such A Criminal Breeding Ground?

In honor of all of the page clicks I have gotten from the message board for Revenge (ABC, Wednesdays, 10pm ET), on imdb.com, I have decided to make a post that I hope will appeal to them, and anyone else who enjoys the show.  In this post, I will break down each important character by the crimes I think they have committed.  Good or bad, these characters all prove one thing...there is a major crime wave in The Hamptons.  I hope you enjoy it.  Just as a warning, some spoilers from last night's episode will be in here.  It would be best to watch the episode before reading this.

Is this the face of an angel or a devil?
The picture above is our star, Emily Thorne (she has switched identities with someone), who is really Amanda Clarke, the daughter of a convicted terrorist (who didn't really do it).  This whole series is evidently about her quest for revenge, in hopes of avenging the wrongs that were done to her father.  There's probably more to it than that, but that's all the writers are willing to tell us, at this time.  Now that the laypeople have had her bio, let's talk about Emily's criminal history.  She grew up in Juvenile Detention, and she is bitter.  I can't really list all of the crimes she has committed during the course of the first season, as most are pretty ambiguous, but she is definitely public enemy number one.  It's just that not many people know this is the case, due to the subtle nature of her screwjobs.

Is she a criminal?
Yes, no doubt about it.

The devil, the target, the mark, the evil one
That, right there, is Victoria Grayson, and based on what we've seen so far, she is Emily's (Amanda) public enemy number one.  Victoria has been wronged in her life, but she has done more wrong than has been done to her.  She has committed a lot of crimes, again, they are too numerous, and hideous to list.  Emily has been muscling in on her criminal enterprise, and she is not happy about it. 

Is she a criminal? 
Yes, no doubt about it.

Evil sumbitch
That is Conrad Grayson.  He is the patriarch of the most evil family in The Hamptons.  He has no soul, and his list of criminal accomplishments is probably longer than many of the studio moguls of Old Hollywood.  The chickens are coming home to roost for this man, and he will surely be left broke, penniless, and dead by the end of this series.

Is he a criminal?
Yes, no doubt about it.

My crimes are not only against fashion
That not as young as they act like he is guy there is Nolan Ross, the richest man in our crime enclave.  Emily's (Amanda's dad, David Clarke) father gave him money to start a technology company, and he is now one of the richest men in the world.  Although Emily did not plan for Nolan to be involved in her web of revenge, he is knee deep in it, now.  He is her right hand man, and is likely very complicit in a number of crimes, not the least of which are breaking and entering, covering up a murder, covering up an attempted murder, evidence tampering, and possibly is complicit in murder.  He's just about every normal person's favorite character on the show, and how can you not like someone who has already gotten away with so much?

Is he a criminal?
Yes indeedy sweetie

Is that...the Fonz?
That's Daniel Grayson, one of the most gullible, trusting, and stupid people in the Grayson clan.  Emily's revenge intentions clearly included ruining this guy.  She has done several incredibly suspicious things around him, and yet he believes anything and everything she tells him.  They are currently engaged.  If stupidity and gullibility were crimes, Daniel would be on death row.  As it stands, his parents covered up a horrific DUI accident he had that left someone paralyzed.  Nothing bad came out of it for him....until now.  He's serving some jail time now, because the cops, and a very dumb Judge seem to think that he killed a guy named Tyler Barrol, while he was knocked out (they refused him bail).  It turns out Daniel fired the first shot, not really in self defense, but, just to make sure this Tyler guy wouldn't ever be a problem again, another helpful person turned it into First Degree Murder, after knocking Daniel out on the beach.  He's getting railroaded for a crime he at least has some possibility of having an acquittal due to self defense.  All of this has been done to create mo drama.

Is he a criminal?
You betcha

Crazy, obsessive, bitter, dead
I have to follow up our dumb character Daniel with his supposed victim, Tyler Barrol.  Tyler was a friend of Daniel's from Harvard.  Tyler was not okay.  He appeared to have some kind of obsession with Daniel, and later turned that obsession toward the Graysons.  His family (or he) was wronged by the Graysons in some way that hasn't completely been revealed.  At any rate, he is a fraud, and he needs heavy medication to only seem bat sh** crazy.  At one point, he came to a party at the Graysons, and threatened to kill everyone there.  He was taken off to a mental institution, and that was that.  Except, it wasn't.  The big reveal of this season was theoretically about who killed Daniel.  It turns out Daniel wasn't killed, Tyler was.  He had somehow broken out of the mental institution, was on the run for at least a few days, and no one noticed, or notified his intended victims.  He kidnapped Fauxmanda (getting to her next), and was going to shout from the mountaintops about who Emily Thorne really is (I guess).  He ended up being no more than a pitiful James Bond-esque villain, who was almost more of a MacGuffin than he was a villain.  He committed a whole lot of crimes in his short number of episodes on the show.  In a lot of ways, it's a good thing he's dead.

Is he a criminal?
Lock him up, and throw away the key...oh wait...death penalty

Gratuitous bikini shot to increase page clicks
If Tyler Barrol was wild card number one, that woman in the bikini is wild card number two.  Her real name is Emily Thorne (whaaaaa?).  However, these days she goes by the name Amanda Clarke.  We'll just call her Fauxmanda.  She evidently had some kind of caged heat with Emily Thorne (real Amanda), while they were in Juvenile Hall, and she loves her some Emily.  She is very crazy, as well, and would easily be defined as a loose cannon.  Her jealousy toward Emily's rejection of her caused her to pursue the guy that Emily really liked (though she couldn't really have a relationship with him).  Fauxmanda is a major Thorne (get it, ha ha) in her side, and Emily does many things to try to get rid of her, including framing her for arson.  Just so you don't feel too bad about Fauxmanda, she was introduced to us as a stripper with a heart of (tire) iron.  When someone got too close to finding out about the Emily/Amanda ID switch, that's right, Fauxmanda hit him over the head with tire iron, and killed him.  She's a murderer, but this is TV, so she'll never have to pay for it.

Is she a criminal?
Does TV murder count?

"Emily, WTF ARE YOU DOING?"
That man is Satoshi Takeda, and he is Emily's (Amanda) Sensei.  He has been carefully guiding Emily down a path that will cause the most destruction, while leaving the least collateral damage (I hope).  He thinks Emily has become distracted from her goals, and became so angry that he told her he would no longer help her.  Good thing for Emily there were a lot of hiatuses, because those hiatuses allowed Takeda to come back without us remembering that he told her to F off.  Takeda is a helpful guy, and wants Emily back on the proper path.  So, he shoots Tyler, frames Daniel, implicates Jack, and gets rid of Fauxmanda, all in one fell swoop.  Of course, Fauxmanda could clear Jack, and probably could clear Daniel, as well.  But, that's not what Takeda wants.  He wants...uh, I don't know what he wants. 

Is he a criminal?
First Degree Murdaaaa

"I'm such an idiot, I sometimes wonder if Daniel is my brother."
Jack Porter, you are a fool.  It's not that you haven't been set up to be that, but you are a fool.  Your instincts told you that Emily was the little girl you fell in love with oh so many years ago.  Your dog even knew it.  You said, "But nah."  You tried to steal her heart, but were spurned.  Then, Fauxmanda came into your life, and you immediately accepted that she was the real Amanda, even though all of your instincts told you otherwise.  Even your dog didn't like her.  I guess you were blinded by how she looked in a bikini and short shorts.  Fauxmanda was nothing but barney...rubble...trouble.  You had enough of being jerked around, and finally decided to shove off for Haiti, to do some good, because you are a do-gooder.  Right as you're pulling out of the dock, Fauxmanda shows up, after she had summarily dumped you.  She agrees to go to Haiti with you.  You then decide to say some nice things about how Emily feels about her (that are all untrue), and Fauxmanda leaves again.  That was when all hell broke loose.  The murder of Tyler happens, and Jack finds Fauxmanda standing over the body.  As any helpful moron will do, he proceeds to attempt to hide the body, or something.  He's discovered (though not recognized), and the family comes out screaming about the dead Daniel on the beach...who turned out to be Tyler.  He disturbed a crime scene, and his woman didn't even do it.  Then, he proceeds to obstruct justice by not telling anyone what happened, or what he thought might have happened.  Jack, you are a fool, and...a criminal.

Is he a criminal?
Disturbing a crime scene and Obstruction of Justice

Why couldn't a through and through gunshot have hit him, too?
That's Declan Porter, or if you want to be nostalgic, he's kind of like Molly Ringwald in Pretty in Pink.  He so desperately wants to fit in to the high society, but he's too stupid to realize that he never will.  Good thing his girlfriend, Charlotte Grayson, is such a rebel, or he would still be tending bar for all the rich a-holes in The Hamptons, but without any chance of being rich.  If you're wondering what he did, well, he has decided to protect Jack's role in the murder of Tyler.  He found Jack's bloody hoodie, and has evidently decided that the pro move is to obstruct justice.  No wonder he couldn't get into that prep school at the age of 21.

Is he a criminal?
Obstruction of Justice and possibly Aiding and Abetting

"I HATE YOU!  I HATE YOU ALL!"
That's Charlotte Grayson.  She's had a rough summer.  She just found out that her father is David Clarke, the convicted terrorist.  This means that Emily is her half sister (not that Emily will tell her this).  Her family treats her like crap, her mother can barely look at her (due to it reminding her of her framed "love" David Clarke), and...she has to be with Declan.  Things got so bad that she stole someone's Oxycodone to forget.  She was evidently high, when Tyler was killed, because she thought a guy that looked nothing like her brother, Daniel, was the person who was killed on the beach.

Is she a criminal?
You're not supposed to steal or take other people's pills

"The only crimes of mine you know about right now are fashion related."

That's Ashley Davenport.  She's upwardly mobile, but surprisingly useless as a character.  She's just everyone's assistant, but hasn't seemed to have much of a purpose through the first 15 episodes.  That all changed with Daniel's arrest for murder.  She's now the Grayson family spokesperson, a job that is sure to be worth about a buck, a buck 2.98.  She hasn't figured out who to be loyal to, yet, and that's a problem.  Good thing she's such a nothing character, so far.

Is she a criminal?
Not that we know of, yet, but this is The Hamptons, and everyone is a criminal.

"How the f*** did I not die from that fall?"
That's Lydia Davis, who was once the owner of Emily's house, and who had an affair with Conrad Grayson.  The Graysons decided to do something about this potentially recurring problem via their security guy, Frank.  She was thrown out of her window, and landed very gruesomely on top of a car.  Somehow, she managed to live from this fall that has killed many characters in other movies and TV shows.  Before she was killed, oops, I mean before she was injured, she was essentially blackmailing Conrad.  That's a crime.

Is she a criminal?
Blackmail

His fate is why you should avoid strip clubs
Frank Stevens is that man, and I think he was considered the Graysons security guy.  He made the fatal (ha ha) error of falling in love with Victoria.  He got fired after the botched attempted murder of Lydia, and he didn't take it well.  He wanted to prove to Victoria that he was right to have done what he did.  He even uncovered that Emily is not really Emily, that she is the real Amanda Clarke.  Unfortunately for him, he wasn't able to get all that out before being whacked over the head with a tire iron by Fauxmanda.  Then, Victoria forgot about the information he was relaying, which consequently made the audience forget (even though we already knew).

Is he a criminal?
Attempted murder among many other things, and he ended up getting the death penalty

Everyone thinks he's the bad guy
That's the convicted terrorist David Clarke, Emily's (Amanda) father, who supposedly died in prison.  He probably did some pretty bad stuff, like doing some dirty stuff with money, but he evidently didn't do what everyone thinks he did.  He's what we'll call a developing story.

Is he a criminal?
Probably, but is not nearly as bad as everyone thinks he is

Evil sumbitch, who worked hard to get where he is
That's Edward Grayson, Conrad's father, and the guy who founded Grayson Global.  He's a subtle a-hole, but he's an a-hole nonetheless.  There is no doubt he is aware of the criminal activity that has gone on inside his company.  He just doesn't want the shareholders to really know what was up.

Is he a criminal?
Look at him, and tell me what you think?

I hope this post will make you think twice about wanting to one day move to The Hamptons.  It may very well be the scariest place on earth.  Thanks for reading.

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