Thursday, August 11, 2011

I Don't Know What I'm More Disappointed With, The Fact That I Am Watching HawthoRNe AND Thought That Last Night Was The Season Finale, Or That Last Night Was Not The Season Finale... :/ (A Facebook Status)

Every once in awhile, something entertaining may come out of me talking about a show in one of my facebook statuses.  Sadly (happily?), this was the case yesterday, and this blog post is what happened when I was asked to summarize the last few episodes of the TV series HawthoRNe for my friend Magalie N., since she hadn't been able to watch them.  I will be doing small editing, and some of the writing is a bit saucy, but this is basically how it appeared in the comments below my status.  Hopefully, someone else will find it enjoyable.  It's also a great primer for leading you into the season finale, next week, which I am sure you're dying to (not) watch.  This blog post contains nothing but spoilers, so if you haven't seen the last three episodes, and don't want them spoiled (they do a great job of that on their own anyway), don't read this blog post.  

Okay, here's what happened in the last three episodes. If you don't want to know, just stop reading here.

The beginning of three episodes ago was two different couples (Camille and Derek Luke, and Christina and Tom) telling each other that they loved each other.  If you know anything about the series, you know that was b.s.  Christina ends up telling Tom that she boinked J-Lo's man (of course she didn't tell him that it was in public, outside a house where it is unclear if there are still people inside, not to mention the bed ridden mother inside). So, naturally this makes Tom very angry, so angry, that he puts a gun to Nick's head and says that he will kill him if he ever comes near Christina again (he didn't say anything about inside though, sorry sorry sorry couldn't resist). Then, somehow, while Derek Luke is professing his love for Camille, she eventually realizes that it's not right for her to be with him, and she tells him he needs to go back to that crazy chick Lisa Raye, who slapped the s**t out of her. Of course, Tom can't get past the fact that Christina had sex with a guy that short, so he leaves and apparently their marriage is shot. Can I just tell you how unbelievable it is that a DOCTOR would THREATEN a COP (psycho creep cop, even) with a GUN? So, as I said at the beginning of the paragraph, the two couples profess their love, and by the end, we can tell they are totally out of love, or it's a martyr type love or something.

The episode from last week (August 2, 2011) was Tom telling Christina he wanted a divorce and Jada getting on the couch (no, not the casting couch, a psychologist's couch), and spilling about all of her numerous Mommy and Daddy issues, her lack of protection from Tom, and how she blamed him for her attack because he wasn't "there" for her, even though he was on the phone with her when the attack happened (I'm not buying he had service in the elevator he was "trapped" in). At the beginning of the show, she has a *dream* that she is in a straitjacket, and somehow manages to escape by throwing down a bunch of Matrix s**t on people, and breaking out of her straitjacket.  She proceeds to run out the front door of the hospital and is run over by a car (presumably by Nick), and wakes up. The dreams she has are generally more believable than the entire plots for the shows.  In the "therapy" session, we are treated to Jada having no idea how to act, and the Director having no clue how to direct her properly.  At the very beginning of the session, Christina tells the therapist that she didn't think it was possible, but she is in love with two people at the same time.  If what she has for Tom and Nick is love, then she is clearly a very effed up person.  It hasn't looked like she has ever loved either of them, but has used each one for a purpose, or has gotten with them because of a set of circumstances.  Long story short, it looks like by the end of the therapy session she wants to get back with Tom (I think).  Of course, when she gets home, he hands her divorce papers, they get on the floor and get nasty, he rips the divorce papers up, and then they have a threesome with Nick (I'll let you figure out which parts of that last sentence are true and false, since nothing in that sentence would seem out of the ordinary in this series).  Oh, and don't worry, there are still plenty of scenes where Nick acts like a psycho stalker creep (because he is).

In this week's episode, which I thought was the season finale, but wasn't, all kinds of things happened. Christina starts out the episode appearing to "get all her affairs in order" (you know like what people who commit suicide do), and drops off the divorce papers to Tom, and writes a letter to Nick, that she drops off at the police station.  Then, she gets on a plane, and while she is on the plane, putting her bag in the overhead bin, Nick calls, and tells Christina that her Mother-in-law is dead (Nick's Mom).  He's that delusional, and thinks they are really married now.  She gets off the plane, and sets in motion a chain of events to try to get the letter she wrote him back, since she was going to see Nick in person now.  Then we find out that the British surgeon guy's Dad is terminal, as well, and he dies.  Even though Nick's Mom is now dead, he takes every opportunity to try to pin Christina to a wall (if you get what I mean), and is rebuffed at every opportunity (being told things like you're at your mom's funeral, your mom just died, you're a weirdo, etc.).  Then, at some point during the episode, some really huge scary looking guy shows up at the hospital, shakes Tom's hand in an elevator, and shows a ring similar to the one that Christina's attacker wore.  This creeps him out (and also makes the audience wonder about Tom's potential involvement in the attacker's death).  While Christina is with Nick, as they're walking up to his or his Mom's place, he notices that the door is ajar.  So, he tells Christina to stay there (does not work out so well).  After proving that he was supplied absolutely no police "technique" training on the series, Nick goes into a bedroom and sees the words AN EYE FOR AN EYE in what appears to be blood, on the wall, with the ring the attacker wore nailed to the wall.  Then, the big old creepy dude (I know, I know, there are a lot of creepy people on the show) shows up at the funeral for Nick's Mom, and shakes Nick's hand offering his condolences, and while shaking his hand shows him the attacker's ring on his finger.  A slight scuffle ensues, and it goes to the next scene where Nick tries to hump Christina in the kitchen.  If you looked at Christina's face, you would know she is really uncomfortable (or is it Jada that's uncomfortable? It's hard to say).  Nick tries to kiss her, and she's like, "You know what? You're scaring me. You've had your pants down all day trying to get some loving, when your Mom just died."  Again, I'll let you decide which part of that exchange is accurate.  So, Christina takes out the letter she wrote to Nick, puts it on the table, tells him that everything is explained in the letter, and she leaves.  Then, the last scene is in montage, and has Tom looking at the divorce papers, Nick reading the letter, getting a really angry look on his face, ripping up the letter, pulling out a gun and killing himself, and then Christina laying on grass somewhere smoking a joint (Again, I'll let you decide which parts are real).  And that's it.  I thought it was the season finale, the whole episode, and it didn't really wrap up anything.  Then, right after the last shot, a promo says, "On the season finale of HawthoRNe", and I was like daaaaaaaaaaaam, and that led me to write my status.

I hope you enjoyed this read.  It was almost as painful writing it as it was watching it, and I can't believe I remembered even this much.  Blocking this show out has been a clear

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